Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
