so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
