She's JV to your varsity
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
that is very illegal...i love you.
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