i jhust puked up my retainher.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
