she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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