from now on my penis is your penis
i was born a porn star she said
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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