every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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