I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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