remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
