we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
