i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
God, I missed his penis.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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