Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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