Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
