Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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