I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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