god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
