my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Randomize
