The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
