i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize