Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
