were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
