Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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