are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
