if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
