Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
