i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
