Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
