i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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