Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
