Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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