if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize