ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
