Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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