Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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