barbara walters just said penis...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
