Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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