that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
