If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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