he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize