I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
