i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
