i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
