I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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