Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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