my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
