ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
