If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
