I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
