I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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