He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
