so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
