My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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