I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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