The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
