i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
