VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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