I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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