The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize