I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
be right there i have to get my cape
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
