Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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